Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He felt like a one man threesome
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
