my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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