Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
