I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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