i barfeds in our rink
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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