Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
