Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize