Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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