You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Found the puke drawer
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
