My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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