The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
