Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
