my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
