you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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