they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
