I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
My hand turned me down
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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