If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
