If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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