Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
