I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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