I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
