A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
