My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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