I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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