Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
