I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
