like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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