Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
