god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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