I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We are all done wearing pants today
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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