...so i touched it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
