So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
