The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
