After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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