The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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