Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
