So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Mom said you looked used
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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