So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
