I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
