she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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