just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
