you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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