You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize