I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
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