I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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