I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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