After last night, I could never be a politician.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize