i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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