Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
