I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
