My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
