I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
