I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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