I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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