the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize