I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
