no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
