At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
